I'm not enjoying this. I should be working on a story that I need to get done soon and I find myself not enjoying it. I'm getting frustrated and pissed off because what I want to draw and what I am drawing are not one in the same. And it's not the story; it needs work but I'm getting through it. What's bothering me is the process. I'm not enjoying this anymore. I love drawing, but right now I don't feel it. And I want to, I really, really want to. I have alot of free time right now to draw. I should be utilizing the time. But I'm just not feeling it.
Maybe this is the equilvalent of writer's block. Maybe I need to approach things from a different perspective. But as of right now, this very moment..... it's not there. And I feel lost because it's not there. All I've wanted to do for the past 3 years is have my life set up so that I can do the one thing I love to do: draw. And I have that. So why isn't this working? Why do I feel so frustrated? Am I being too hard on myself? No, I don't think so. What I think might be the problem is that I'm missing my drive. The passion to excel and push myself and my limits to new edges. It's gone. The passion is gone. And I know where I lost it.
San Diego.
Ever since I came back from what can only be discribed as " the biggest fucking waste of $2000 I've ever spent!" I've felt empty. And angry. I feel like a part of me was sucked right out of my very core. Like I'm missing a part of my soul. And it truly is a horrible feeling. This year's trip was supposed to be fun and progressive and seen as some-what of an accomplishment. Parts of it were. Las Vegas was amazing, and San Francisco was an experience. But San Diego? I usually leave there glowing and happy. This year I just couldn't wait to leave. It's become too much. The crowds, the "Hollywood" presence. It's just too much. Where's that overwhelming feeling of "Wow, I'm at ComicCon!"? Why didn't I feel like I was part of something great? Because the spirit of what it all used to mean is gone. It's dead. And I don't think it's coming back in a future issue. Dead means dead. And I couldn't be more depressed about it if I tried. So I've come to a decision:
I'm not going back. Not without a reason; a genuine cause. And I don't see one in my immediate future.
I need to do something soon. I'm hoping to get out of town. I need to go for a drive and collect myself. Maybe Drumheller. Maybe to my old place in the mountains. But I need to get away and regroup. Look at things with a clear head. Connect with what's lost somewhere inside me. I need my passion back. Before it's too late and I give up on comics all together. More than anything in the world I don't want that to happen. But I have a burning in my chest that won't go away.
I need to do what I can to make it go away.
6 comments:
I know exactly what you're going through, and sometimes you DO have to push through and end up with work you're not that happy with. Deadlines can kill inspiration faster than any weapon. But, sometimes all you need is to take a step back and take a break. Go do something else, visit a friend, visit a quiet siteseeing spot, just do SOMETHING that will open your mind to something beyond your own problem. Trust me, it will make you feel better.
I have a burning in my chest too.
*belch*
Ah. Just gas.
:)
You, my friend, are an ass.
And I'm going to beat the crap out of you!
I figure it's better that I bring it out of you then let you fart around the place as you please.
AIRFLOW!
I went throught that.. like 6 months of that. I quit my job and was working from home drawing every day, watching movies and doing character sketches. I had fallen into a rut... all my art looked the same; it wasn't what I wanted and I couldn't seem to change. Then somewhere along the way my attitude changed: THIS IS MY JOB.
I stopped drawing in front of the TV and I started sitting in the studio. I began following a schedual. Get up, do chores, sit at desk and draw til lunch... take a break then draw til dinner, then take the night off. My art was my job (The husband gets up and goes to work... I got up and went to my studio); I fell into a pattern and my art improved and my attitude changed and if I got frustrated I put aside what I was working on and did something else for a few hours.
I have seriously changed so much in the last few months. I stopped complaining about criticisms and started seeing how helpful they were, I could draw a page to a page and a half a day without getting sidetracked and putting art off for days, and my art got better.
Sometimes it takes awhile to get over a hump, but in the end it was totally worth it. I changed my attitude and I think I changed a lot for the better because of it.
I know what you're going through, man--both in terms of San Diego and work. Unlike Tya-Ruzu, I find deadlines extremely inspirational. Knowing I have to have something done makes doing it much easier. Left entirely to my own devices, I'm an amazing procrastinator--there's nothing easier than not doing the one thing I've always claimed I wanted to do more than anything else...unless I know my ass will get kicked if I don't do it.
Andrew
I won't disagree that deadlines can definitely produce good work. I work better under them myself, as long as they're not self-imposed. If someone ELSE is waiting for my work it's an entirely different story.
Devo's plan is good too. Setting a schedule is like training. If your brain knows it's going to be doing a certain thing at a certain time it gets used to it and definitely gets easier!
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